Sunday, February 06, 2005
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
I am really scared now. The electric light seems to be flickering and that is making things seem worse.
I guess Ed and Eileen are not going to make it back tonite. I hope they have found somewhere safe. I will stay here until morning and try to look for them tomorrow. There must be a key to the door here somewhere but in this poor light, there is no point looking.
Still no one
I have tried calling them on my cellphone but the signal is weak down here and I can not get a connection.
I do not know why but the cellar door seems locked or jammed.
No sign of Ed and Eileen
At least we have a couple of cots down here, so we should be able to get some sleep and be safe until the storm blows over. I can tell you, it is quite scary down here.
Looking around I cannot see very much food or drink, I guess that is why Ed said it was necessary to get some things in. I do wish Eileen could have stayed with me tho. It is quite frightening down here and the single light does not fill the whole room. I am also sure there are spiders and worse crawling around down here!
a storm coming
We have packed most of our stuff and are moving it down.
Ed and Eileen say they will go get some provisions and cadles and bottled water, just in case.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
...and Ed says get rid of it.
His view seems to be that I should get rid of the baby. I did not think he would take this view and it surprised me.
He says that without the baby and the pressures and financial demands that it will bring, I will be free to live my life and not have a constant reminder of Greg and the sadness that think of him may bring.
He is right to say that I had thought of the baby as being a reminder of Greg but when I think of Greg, it is not always sadness that comes to my mind, sometimes I remember the good times.
I do not know why but it seems as if Ed and Eileen are playing 'good cop, bad cop' and that alll seems a bit child like now that I realise it. But I guess they are just trying to help me see both sides to the argument.
What really scares me about Ed talkig to me is that he, like Eileen, touched my shoulder as he talked. When he did that, it brought back images of my dream of being raped by him.
He did not stay talking for long and after he had gone, I kept thinking again of that dream and, once more, I started to wonder if it was just a dream or whether something had actually happened perhaps when I was drunk or unconcious in bed.
But all that just seems silly.
Eileen says keep the baby
I'd never even thought that I would not love the baby. That shook me a bit when I heard her say that.
When she was talking about people looking after the baby for me, it suddenly occured to me that she and Ed had no kids. Is that what she meant? That she and Ed could look after the baby for me?
She went on talking (of course) to me about baby things and the joys of being a mother and seeing your baby grow up and learn. She put her arm around my shoulder, I was not sure why, perhaps she thought I was getting upset.
As she talked, I became aware of her hand rubbing my shoulder, gently as if to calm me or to calm an upset child. It made me feel a little uncomfortable and I tried to move my shoulder. As I moved, I felt her hand hold the top of my shoulder tightly as if to hold me still. Then her other hand replaced the hand on my shoulder and she turned me to look at her.
She started telling me that I am a very pretty girl (yeh, yer what?) and she could understand if I feared that having a kid might make boys avoid dating me. Gee that had not occurred to me either!
As she talked to me, I could feel her hand start to rub my breast. At least that is what I thought I felt and I move back.
I asked her to leave as I needed time to think about things.
She got up and left, as she did her hand seemed to caress my hair.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Hopefully now that it has all blown over (oh no), we shall have some nice weather here and the three of us shall have a good vacation this time.
Of course, tho, I have to do some thinking about this baby and my future. However, I think I shall have a few days to relax and enjoy myself first.
Oh, Ed and Eileen were as noisy as ever in their lovemaking last night!! (hehe)
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Saturday, September 11, 2004
I imagined I could feel his excitement
Ed came round to see me this afternoon. He wanted to check that I was ready and had everything I needed for the journey. He has such kind eyes, I kept thinking that as he talked to me. We talked about everything and the decisions I need to make this week. Should I keep this baby or not? At the end, we ended up having a nice cuddle and hug together. The strange thing is I felt I wanted him, sexually, as he hugged me and I imagined I could feel his excitement. It was all just girl fantasy of course and nothing happened except for a small kiss just before he left. That was sweet and I kinda like the fact that we can be close like this and not just therapist and patient.
Friday, September 10, 2004
A second chance at a vacation.
Ana also made a social call this evening, and that was really nice. We had a long conversation about just about everything. I told her all about Greg and my feelings for him and how I miss him now that he is no longer here. I told her about the baby and that I was not sure if I should keep it. We ended up having a good girly cry together. Ana is really nice, I had not thought of her like this before and it is nice to have someone to talk to again.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Thankfully my therapist has come to my aid. I called him to tell him as I was so distressed. He listened and talked to me for over an hour on the phone. He says that this will be a major change in my life and there are some important decisions I have to make now. Some of those decisions may affect the rest of my life and others. He has suggested that we take some time away next week if I can get away from work so that I can have time to think about what I want to do with this baby.
I think I want to have the baby, I must think about having it aborted but I do not really think that is the answer. Yet I am scared about bringing up a child especially without a father.
My therapist says he and his wife will take me down to their house in Florida again and help me make up my mind. They are so good to me and at this time I am so desparate I am really glad og their support.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
I guess that's why I see the therapist
Not much else to say today. Popped over to have a nice comfy chat with Ana. This was the first time I've been out socially since getting back from the vacation. She seems to think I need sorting out, gee I guess that's why I see the therapist
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
I had a very emotional session with the therapist today, talking about feeling depressed and lonely. It almost seems as if I have gone back to the way I was at the end of last year. I do not want to be like this but I guess I have beeen severely hit back by Greg's death and the loss that has caused.
I cannot deny that I have considered suicide but I know that is not the answer to any of my problems.
I must go back to work in the morning.
The therapist suggested a vacation in October. That may be nice.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
without light or hope
Right now my heart feels broken just to think that Greg was meeting another woman. I have no reason to believe that he wasn't but I had hoped we had become exclusive. Right now my heart feels lonely for being without Greg and not being able to see him again.
My life feels dark and without light or hope.