Sunday, February 06, 2005

This marks the end of Sindy's diary.
Her dead body was found 2 days later in the cellar that had been flooded by rain water and blocked by tree branches and debri from the hurricane damaged house. The door to her cellar had been locked from the outside... we do not know why.
No trace has yet been found of Ed and Eileen. There is no recognised therapist named Ed matching his description in the New Jersey area.
Sindy was pregnant at her time of death. DNA tests on Sindy and the unborn baby indicate that Greg was NOT the father.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Crash

There was a great crash a few minutes ago followed by lots of others. It made me jump out of my skin! I thought it might be Ed coming back with lots of stuff so I have been calling but no one answers. The wind seems much louder now and I thought I could even feel it blowing under the door.
I am really scared now. The electric light seems to be flickering and that is making things seem worse.
I guess Ed and Eileen are not going to make it back tonite. I hope they have found somewhere safe. I will stay here until morning and try to look for them tomorrow. There must be a key to the door here somewhere but in this poor light, there is no point looking.

Still no one

Still no sign of Ed and Eileen. I hope they are safe. I am beginning to worry about them. The wind is really howling outside. Even down here I can hear the roar of it at times.
I have tried calling them on my cellphone but the signal is weak down here and I can not get a connection.
I do not know why but the cellar door seems locked or jammed.

No sign of Ed and Eileen

The basement is a bit cold and dreary. Ed and Eileen went out a little after 12 today to get provisions. I have not seen or heard from them yet and am beginning to get anxious. I can hear the wind outside getting quite strong now.
At least we have a couple of cots down here, so we should be able to get some sleep and be safe until the storm blows over. I can tell you, it is quite scary down here.
Looking around I cannot see very much food or drink, I guess that is why Ed said it was necessary to get some things in. I do wish Eileen could have stayed with me tho. It is quite frightening down here and the single light does not fill the whole room. I am also sure there are spiders and worse crawling around down here!

a storm coming

we are all in a bit of a state this morning. We have heard on the news that a storm is coming our way tonite. Ed and Eileen says that we should go down into the cellar tonite, there are some cots down there and we should be safe.
We have packed most of our stuff and are moving it down.
Ed and Eileen say they will go get some provisions and cadles and bottled water, just in case.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

...and Ed says get rid of it.

Ed has just has 'a little talk' with me.
His view seems to be that I should get rid of the baby. I did not think he would take this view and it surprised me.
He says that without the baby and the pressures and financial demands that it will bring, I will be free to live my life and not have a constant reminder of Greg and the sadness that think of him may bring.
He is right to say that I had thought of the baby as being a reminder of Greg but when I think of Greg, it is not always sadness that comes to my mind, sometimes I remember the good times.
I do not know why but it seems as if Ed and Eileen are playing 'good cop, bad cop' and that alll seems a bit child like now that I realise it. But I guess they are just trying to help me see both sides to the argument.
What really scares me about Ed talkig to me is that he, like Eileen, touched my shoulder as he talked. When he did that, it brought back images of my dream of being raped by him.
He did not stay talking for long and after he had gone, I kept thinking again of that dream and, once more, I started to wonder if it was just a dream or whether something had actually happened perhaps when I was drunk or unconcious in bed.
But all that just seems silly.

Eileen says keep the baby

This morning, I felt quite uncomfortable. You see, I ws sitting in my room brushing my hair when Eileen walks in. She sat down beside me and started talking (naturally!). She started telling me how I should have this baby and look after it if I can. How I'd never forgove myself if I ever decided to terminate the pregnancy. How a life is precious and how it is God's gift to a woman. I hadn't realised Eileen was religious. Even if I had the baby and found that I really could not love it or look after it, then there would be people who would look after it and bring it up as their own.
I'd never even thought that I would not love the baby. That shook me a bit when I heard her say that.
When she was talking about people looking after the baby for me, it suddenly occured to me that she and Ed had no kids. Is that what she meant? That she and Ed could look after the baby for me?
She went on talking (of course) to me about baby things and the joys of being a mother and seeing your baby grow up and learn. She put her arm around my shoulder, I was not sure why, perhaps she thought I was getting upset.
As she talked, I became aware of her hand rubbing my shoulder, gently as if to calm me or to calm an upset child. It made me feel a little uncomfortable and I tried to move my shoulder. As I moved, I felt her hand hold the top of my shoulder tightly as if to hold me still. Then her other hand replaced the hand on my shoulder and she turned me to look at her.
She started telling me that I am a very pretty girl (yeh, yer what?) and she could understand if I feared that having a kid might make boys avoid dating me. Gee that had not occurred to me either!
As she talked to me, I could feel her hand start to rub my breast. At least that is what I thought I felt and I move back.
I asked her to leave as I needed time to think about things.
She got up and left, as she did her hand seemed to caress my hair.

Monday, September 13, 2004

lucky miss

Well, we seem to have been lucky, most of the people and the local news seem to be talking about the damage caused by Hurricane Frances. It seems it may only have been a tropical storm when it got to this area of Florida but it still caused quite some damage.
Hopefully now that it has all blown over (oh no), we shall have some nice weather here and the three of us shall have a good vacation this time.
Of course, tho, I have to do some thinking about this baby and my future. However, I think I shall have a few days to relax and enjoy myself first.
Oh, Ed and Eileen were as noisy as ever in their lovemaking last night!! (hehe)

Sunday, September 12, 2004

We arrived here at Ed's house late this evening. Not a very eventful journey and it was made shorter by Eileen's constatnt conversation. I was glad to be able to crash out in my room just to get away from her continual talking. It is not as if she is talking to you like a normal conversation, you know where one talks, then the other, she is more like talking at you. You think you'll get a chance to say aomething in a minte but there is just no break, she just goes on and on. Still, she is nice and means no harm, I sometimes think she does t because she is nervous.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

I imagined I could feel his excitement

I want to get an early night in bed tonite and have a long restful sleep. Tomorrow we must leave early to travel down to Florida.
Ed came round to see me this afternoon. He wanted to check that I was ready and had everything I needed for the journey. He has such kind eyes, I kept thinking that as he talked to me. We talked about everything and the decisions I need to make this week. Should I keep this baby or not? At the end, we ended up having a nice cuddle and hug together. The strange thing is I felt I wanted him, sexually, as he hugged me and I imagined I could feel his excitement. It was all just girl fantasy of course and nothing happened except for a small kiss just before he left. That was sweet and I kinda like the fact that we can be close like this and not just therapist and patient.

Friday, September 10, 2004

A second chance at a vacation.

Today has been a good day. That is a nice thing to write down as I have not had many good days lately. I have got my boss at the office to agree to letting me have the week out of work. My therapist says we can go to his vacation house on Sunday, he and Eileen will be coming with me too. I am glad Eileen is coming, we did not think she would be able to get time away from her work. With luck she should have more time than she did last time we went.
Ana also made a social call this evening, and that was really nice. We had a long conversation about just about everything. I told her all about Greg and my feelings for him and how I miss him now that he is no longer here. I told her about the baby and that I was not sure if I should keep it. We ended up having a good girly cry together. Ana is really nice, I had not thought of her like this before and it is nice to have someone to talk to again.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

pregnancy

Well, things only seem to go from bad to worse. Today I got one of those clearblu pregnancy tester kits. And I am pregnant. I did not believe it first time so I did the test later this afternoon and it showed the same. This is just what I need. I am now very confused and upset. The father must be Greg.
Thankfully my therapist has come to my aid. I called him to tell him as I was so distressed. He listened and talked to me for over an hour on the phone. He says that this will be a major change in my life and there are some important decisions I have to make now. Some of those decisions may affect the rest of my life and others. He has suggested that we take some time away next week if I can get away from work so that I can have time to think about what I want to do with this baby.
I think I want to have the baby, I must think about having it aborted but I do not really think that is the answer. Yet I am scared about bringing up a child especially without a father.
My therapist says he and his wife will take me down to their house in Florida again and help me make up my mind. They are so good to me and at this time I am so desparate I am really glad og their support.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I guess that's why I see the therapist

Been hearing about some hurricane down in Florida. Hope it soon blows over and does no damage to the vacation house.
Not much else to say today. Popped over to have a nice comfy chat with Ana. This was the first time I've been out socially since getting back from the vacation. She seems to think I need sorting out, gee I guess that's why I see the therapist

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

dark thoughts

I have not written in this diary for a few days. To be honest I have been scared by my thoughts. My mind has been very dark and depressed for a while and I sometimes fear what may come out of it. If I keep the dark thoughts in my head, then I can control them but if I write them down on paper then they become almost real.
I had a very emotional session with the therapist today, talking about feeling depressed and lonely. It almost seems as if I have gone back to the way I was at the end of last year. I do not want to be like this but I guess I have beeen severely hit back by Greg's death and the loss that has caused.
I cannot deny that I have considered suicide but I know that is not the answer to any of my problems.
I must go back to work in the morning.
The therapist suggested a vacation in October. That may be nice.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

without light or hope

The cops asked me more questions today. I think they now know that I was not involved but they still manage to give me the feeling that somehow I am guilty of a crime. I learned a bit more about how Greg was killed. It seems he was both poisoned and strangled. He was in a hotel room in Philadelphia and the cops think he met someone there. They do not know if that person was a man or a woman but as he was wearing scent, the cops think he was meeting a woman.
Right now my heart feels broken just to think that Greg was meeting another woman. I have no reason to believe that he wasn't but I had hoped we had become exclusive. Right now my heart feels lonely for being without Greg and not being able to see him again.
My life feels dark and without light or hope.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Depression

Today I hardly moved until late this afternoon. Everything just seemed dark and wrong. My life seems covered in a dark grey cloud.