A broken Heart is a Lonely Heart

2005-02-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

This marks the end of Sindy's diary.

Her dead body was found 2 days later in the cellar that had been flooded by rain water and blocked by tree branches and debri from the hurricane damaged house. The door to her cellar had been locked from the outside... we do not know why.

No trace has yet been found of Ed and Eileen. There is no recognised therapist named Ed matching his description in the New Jersey area.

Sindy was pregnant at her time of death. DNA tests on Sindy and the unborn baby indicate that Greg was NOT the father.

Crash

2004-09-15T20:58:00.000-05:00

There was a great crash a few minutes ago followed by lots of others. It made me jump out of my skin! I thought it might be Ed coming back with lots of stuff so I have been calling but no one answers. The wind seems much louder now and I thought I could even feel it blowing under the door.
I am really scared now. The electric light seems to be flickering and that is making things seem worse.
I guess Ed and Eileen are not going to make it back tonite. I hope they have found somewhere safe. I will stay here until morning and try to look for them tomorrow. There must be a key to the door here somewhere but in this poor light, there is no point looking.

Still no one

2004-09-15T17:54:00.000-05:00

Still no sign of Ed and Eileen. I hope they are safe. I am beginning to worry about them. The wind is really howling outside. Even down here I can hear the roar of it at times.
I have tried calling them on my cellphone but the signal is weak down here and I can not get a connection.
I do not know why but the cellar door seems locked or jammed.

No sign of Ed and Eileen

2004-09-15T14:53:00.000-05:00

The basement is a bit cold and dreary. Ed and Eileen went out a little after 12 today to get provisions. I have not seen or heard from them yet and am beginning to get anxious. I can hear the wind outside getting quite strong now.
At least we have a couple of cots down here, so we should be able to get some sleep and be safe until the storm blows over. I can tell you, it is quite scary down here.
Looking around I cannot see very much food or drink, I guess that is why Ed said it was necessary to get some things in. I do wish Eileen could have stayed with me tho. It is quite frightening down here and the single light does not fill the whole room. I am also sure there are spiders and worse crawling around down here!

a storm coming

2004-09-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

we are all in a bit of a state this morning. We have heard on the news that a storm is coming our way tonite. Ed and Eileen says that we should go down into the cellar tonite, there are some cots down there and we should be safe.
We have packed most of our stuff and are moving it down.
Ed and Eileen say they will go get some provisions and cadles and bottled water, just in case.

...and Ed says get rid of it.

2004-09-14T14:07:00.000-05:00

Ed has just has 'a little talk' with me.
His view seems to be that I should get rid of the baby. I did not think he would take this view and it surprised me.
He says that without the baby and the pressures and financial demands that it will bring, I will be free to live my life and not have a constant reminder of Greg and the sadness that think of him may bring.
He is right to say that I had thought of the baby as being a reminder of Greg but when I think of Greg, it is not always sadness that comes to my mind, sometimes I remember the good times.
I do not know why but it seems as if Ed and Eileen are playing 'good cop, bad cop' and that alll seems a bit child like now that I realise it. But I guess they are just trying to help me see both sides to the argument.
What really scares me about Ed talkig to me is that he, like Eileen, touched my shoulder as he talked. When he did that, it brought back images of my dream of being raped by him.
He did not stay talking for long and after he had gone, I kept thinking again of that dream and, once more, I started to wonder if it was just a dream or whether something had actually happened perhaps when I was drunk or unconcious in bed.
But all that just seems silly.

Eileen says keep the baby

2004-09-14T10:21:00.000-05:00

This morning, I felt quite uncomfortable. You see, I ws sitting in my room brushing my hair when Eileen walks in. She sat down beside me and started talking (naturally!). She started telling me how I should have this baby and look after it if I can. How I'd never forgove myself if I ever decided to terminate the pregnancy. How a life is precious and how it is God's gift to a woman. I hadn't realised Eileen was religious. Even if I had the baby and found that I really could not love it or look after it, then there would be people who would look after it and bring it up as their own.
I'd never even thought that I would not love the baby. That shook me a bit when I heard her say that.
When she was talking about people looking after the baby for me, it suddenly occured to me that she and Ed had no kids. Is that what she meant? That she and Ed could look after the baby for me?
She went on talking (of course) to me about baby things and the joys of being a mother and seeing your baby grow up and learn. She put her arm around my shoulder, I was not sure why, perhaps she thought I was getting upset.
As she talked, I became aware of her hand rubbing my shoulder, gently as if to calm me or to calm an upset child. It made me feel a little uncomfortable and I tried to move my shoulder. As I moved, I felt her hand hold the top of my shoulder tightly as if to hold me still. Then her other hand replaced the hand on my shoulder and she turned me to look at her.
She started telling me that I am a very pretty girl (yeh, yer what?) and she could understand if I feared that having a kid might make boys avoid dating me. Gee that had not occurred to me either!
As she talked to me, I could feel her hand start to rub my breast. At least that is what I thought I felt and I move back.
I asked her to leave as I needed time to think about things.
She got up and left, as she did her hand seemed to caress my hair.

lucky miss

2004-09-13T11:35:00.000-05:00

Well, we seem to have been lucky, most of the people and the local news seem to be talking about the damage caused by Hurricane Frances. It seems it may only have been a tropical storm when it got to this area of Florida but it still caused quite some damage.
Hopefully now that it has all blown over (oh no), we shall have some nice weather here and the three of us shall have a good vacation this time.
Of course, tho, I have to do some thinking about this baby and my future. However, I think I shall have a few days to relax and enjoy myself first.
Oh, Ed and Eileen were as noisy as ever in their lovemaking last night!! (hehe)

2004-09-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

We arrived here at Ed's house late this evening. Not a very eventful journey and it was made shorter by Eileen's constatnt conversation. I was glad to be able to crash out in my room just to get away from her continual talking. It is not as if she is talking to you like a normal conversation, you know where one talks, then the other, she is more like talking at you. You think you'll get a chance to say aomething in a minte but there is just no break, she just goes on and on. Still, she is nice and means no harm, I sometimes think she does t because she is nervous.

I imagined I could feel his excitement

2004-09-11T18:15:00.000-05:00

I want to get an early night in bed tonite and have a long restful sleep. Tomorrow we must leave early to travel down to Florida.
Ed came round to see me this afternoon. He wanted to check that I was ready and had everything I needed for the journey. He has such kind eyes, I kept thinking that as he talked to me. We talked about everything and the decisions I need to make this week. Should I keep this baby or not? At the end, we ended up having a nice cuddle and hug together. The strange thing is I felt I wanted him, sexually, as he hugged me and I imagined I could feel his excitement. It was all just girl fantasy of course and nothing happened except for a small kiss just before he left. That was sweet and I kinda like the fact that we can be close like this and not just therapist and patient.

A second chance at a vacation.

2004-09-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

Today has been a good day. That is a nice thing to write down as I have not had many good days lately. I have got my boss at the office to agree to letting me have the week out of work. My therapist says we can go to his vacation house on Sunday, he and Eileen will be coming with me too. I am glad Eileen is coming, we did not think she would be able to get time away from her work. With luck she should have more time than she did last time we went.
Ana also made a social call this evening, and that was really nice. We had a long conversation about just about everything. I told her all about Greg and my feelings for him and how I miss him now that he is no longer here. I told her about the baby and that I was not sure if I should keep it. We ended up having a good girly cry together. Ana is really nice, I had not thought of her like this before and it is nice to have someone to talk to again.

pregnancy

2004-09-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

Well, things only seem to go from bad to worse. Today I got one of those clearblu pregnancy tester kits. And I am pregnant. I did not believe it first time so I did the test later this afternoon and it showed the same. This is just what I need. I am now very confused and upset. The father must be Greg.
Thankfully my therapist has come to my aid. I called him to tell him as I was so distressed. He listened and talked to me for over an hour on the phone. He says that this will be a major change in my life and there are some important decisions I have to make now. Some of those decisions may affect the rest of my life and others. He has suggested that we take some time away next week if I can get away from work so that I can have time to think about what I want to do with this baby.
I think I want to have the baby, I must think about having it aborted but I do not really think that is the answer. Yet I am scared about bringing up a child especially without a father.
My therapist says he and his wife will take me down to their house in Florida again and help me make up my mind. They are so good to me and at this time I am so desparate I am really glad og their support.

I guess that's why I see the therapist

2004-09-08T21:43:00.000-05:00

Been hearing about some hurricane down in Florida. Hope it soon blows over and does no damage to the vacation house.
Not much else to say today. Popped over to have a nice comfy chat with Ana. This was the first time I've been out socially since getting back from the vacation. She seems to think I need sorting out, gee I guess that's why I see the therapist

dark thoughts

2004-09-07T21:09:00.000-05:00

I have not written in this diary for a few days. To be honest I have been scared by my thoughts. My mind has been very dark and depressed for a while and I sometimes fear what may come out of it. If I keep the dark thoughts in my head, then I can control them but if I write them down on paper then they become almost real.
I had a very emotional session with the therapist today, talking about feeling depressed and lonely. It almost seems as if I have gone back to the way I was at the end of last year. I do not want to be like this but I guess I have beeen severely hit back by Greg's death and the loss that has caused.
I cannot deny that I have considered suicide but I know that is not the answer to any of my problems.
I must go back to work in the morning.
The therapist suggested a vacation in October. That may be nice.

without light or hope

2004-09-04T19:31:00.000-05:00

The cops asked me more questions today. I think they now know that I was not involved but they still manage to give me the feeling that somehow I am guilty of a crime. I learned a bit more about how Greg was killed. It seems he was both poisoned and strangled. He was in a hotel room in Philadelphia and the cops think he met someone there. They do not know if that person was a man or a woman but as he was wearing scent, the cops think he was meeting a woman.
Right now my heart feels broken just to think that Greg was meeting another woman. I have no reason to believe that he wasn't but I had hoped we had become exclusive. Right now my heart feels lonely for being without Greg and not being able to see him again.
My life feels dark and without light or hope.

Depression

2004-09-02T20:28:00.000-05:00

Today I hardly moved until late this afternoon. Everything just seemed dark and wrong. My life seems covered in a dark grey cloud.

Mystery of the female orgasim

2004-09-01T05:40:00.000-05:00

I am wierd, I mean seriously weird.
Last night I dreamt of my therapist having s*x with me in my bed. It felt so real in my dream but obviously was not. And yet I found myself experiencing an orgasim.
Totally weird.

Therapy session

2004-08-31T21:55:00.000-05:00

Today has been another quiet day, I did not cry any tears today. So perhaps I am beginning to accept Greg's death. It only occured to me today that I do not know the address of any of Greg's relatives and I do not know when his funeral is. I thought I might leave a message on his phone asking any relative to contact me to let me know but his home phone number was no longer available and his cell phone did not have a voicemail. Maybe the police would know but I doubt if they would tell me and I do not relly want to talk to them!
This evening was very good for me. I visited my therapist for a session. I was able to tell him all about Greg and my hurt feelings inside. I guess that expressing these feelings has been really good. It seems that I have been keeping them inside me for this time and to let them out was really therapeutic. I do not think the therapist said very much today, it was mostly me talking. He seems to listen to me when I talk, in fact I know he listens to me, but he seems to switch off when his wife talks !
After the session, he apologized for the poor vacation we had had. It sems strange that he should apologize as it was me falling ill that really spoilt it for us. But the reason he was apologizing was that he said we could try another vacation perhaps in the next couple of months. I said that would be good but I would have to think about it and let him know.

Two days late.

2004-08-30T18:11:00.000-05:00

I was surprised today. Ana and the others in the office did not ask anything about what has been going on in my life. Perhaps they do not know or perhaps they were too worried about bringing up the subject. I was a little relieved that i did not have to talk about it but it was still a very strange day. Surely they must have noticed that I was quiet and a bit vacant!

Oh, my 'time of the month' is now two days late. I guess all this stress over the last few days has affected me in other ways too!

Getting thru the weekend

2004-08-29T21:03:00.000-05:00

I do not know how I got thru this weekend. All I could think about was Greg and how he died and whether he had been seeing someone another woman. And then I start to feel agry with myself for thinking things like that!
Not a lot has happened this weekend. I have been on my own a lot, perhaps that has not been the best thing to have done but that is how it has been. Tomorow I shall go to work, no doubt Ana and the others will want to ask me about what has happened. I wonder how much they know about things. How much are they keeping to themselves? Am I getting a bit paranoid?
The one thing I really want is to have Greg back alive, to have him here with me, to have his arms around me and to have him inside me ... but every time I try to think about s*x with Greg, I recall the strange images of my therapist having s*x with me! Yeuk I must be getting really warped or maybe it is just the sadness and grief playing games with my mind.

Greg Died in a Hotel Room

2004-08-27T09:19:00.000-05:00

The interview with the police yesterday was absoluteley horrible. For a long time it seemed they thought me a suspect. There were two of them mainly grilling me. One of them was local and one was from Philadelphia. I have never been grilled by the cops in this way before, I was really frightened, even tho I knew I had nothing to hide.
I did learn a bit more about how Greg died, it seems he was found in a hotel room in Philadelphia, apparently he had been poisoned, what with I do not know but that was all I could get from the cops.
Why he was in a hotel room I do not know, the cops seem to think he was meeting someone there. If he was meeting someone then I do not know who. Maybe he was meeting another woman. I do not know and I do not really want to think about that.
There is still a great emptiness and sadness inside me.

People do not live long in my life

2004-08-26T09:40:00.000-05:00

I did not sleep at all last night. I just kept on thinking that all these things can not be happening in my life. It seems people in my life just do not live long. First Sylvia and now Greg and, of course, my mom.
This afternoon I have to see some detective from Philadelphia who is in charge of Greg's case. I do not know if I can face that but I know I have to.

Greg is dead

2004-08-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

I cried myself to sleep in the early hours this morning. And did not go to work as I was so tired.
I can not believe that Greg is dead.
Yesterday cops came to tell me. They had got my messages on his phone and traced me to here. It seems Greg was killed when I was on vacation. At first the officer would not tell me how he was killed. I guess they must suspect me but I was away in Florida at the time.
I should have seen the therapist yesterday but I was too upset to go. He phoned today and I told him what has happened. He says I can see him or call him to talk about it anytime, that is kind of him. I says I shall see him next week as usual.
My life now seems very empty, the only thing in my life is sadness. I just want to cry and cry and somehow learn that it is not real.

2004-08-24T22:32:00.000-05:00

I can not believe what I heard today.
Greg has been killed.

Feeling down

2004-08-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ana and I chatted quite a bit at work this morning. It was a good job our boss was not around then! She was very keen to find out more about what happened on the vacation but really there is not much that I could tell her. I fell ill... period!
Am getting a bit worried about Greg. I tried to call him again this evening but only got his machine, I left a message and hope he calls back...Hah a man call back! Perhaps he has found another woman while I was away and simply wont pick uo the phone.
Right now, I am feeling really down, not depressed, just really low. I guess the fact it is late in the evening is a factor in this. But I do wish I would hear from Greg, just to know that everything is all all right with us. It is the worrying and the not knowing that is getting me down right now.

at night it all seems so real.

2004-08-22T19:02:00.000-05:00

Boy! did I sleep well last night! Did not wake until 10 in the morning. Still had this bad dream about being raped by my therapist, I know it is only a dream and I wish I could get rid of it, what makes it worse is that at night it all seems so real!
Ed called me this afternoon to see how I was, that was nice and I was able to tell him that I am feeling much better. Have not told him about the dreams yet! He also said Eileen has been quiet today (which may be a first!)
Hopefully I shall have a refreshing sleep tonite and be ready for work in the morning. Ana came round this afternoon to say hi. She said I looked a bit pale. Well I guess I would be looking pale after my illness. Thankfully my appetite has come back but I must weigh myself before bed tonite just to see if I have lost some weight. Let's hope some good has come from the disasterous vacation.
Called Greg a few times but only got his voice mail machine.

rape dreams

2004-08-21T21:11:00.000-05:00

Well, we are all back home today. I am not sure that any of us really had a vacation, Eileen missed a couple of days as she had to attend the meeting, I fell ill for a few days and poor Ed had to care for me.
I am glad to say that my limbs do not ache any longer and my headache is gone, my appetite seems to be back (well anything has gotta be better than Ed's soup!). In fact, I find it hard, very hard, to recall anything of what happened during the week, it is like I have lost almost all memory of it. The one thing that does remain is the bad dream which I seem to have when I relax or sleep. In this dream I am sexually assaulted by Ed, almost raped by him. I do not know where this dream comes from, Ed would probably put on his therapist role and say it comes from a deep longing in my psyche or something like that. I do not know why I should dream or fantasise about him raping me (or anybody raping me for that matter) and yet I can not get this dream out of my head...... Still, perhaps a good night's sleep in my own bed tonite will help bring things back to normal again!

hell of a headache

2004-08-19T18:44:00.000-05:00

I am not sure what has happened.
These last few days I seem to have been very ill, apparently with a mysterious virus. I am lying in my sickbed and it seems I have been here for a couple of days. My head hurts like hell, the muscles in my body seem to ache, my stomach feels empty and I also feel like vomitting. The ends of my fingers and toes have a strange tingling feeling. I struggle to think strait.
I am a little better today but yesterday was an absolute hell.
The last thing I seem to remember clearly was having drinks with Ed and Eileen. We were having a good time and a laugh as Eileen was leaving in the morning. I know Iwas drinking wine but I had no more than 3 glasses and then I remember having trouble walking and my eyes going funny. I remember Ed and Eileen helping me off the floor and Ed carrying me. Everything else just seems blank except for the pains and the blurriness yesterday and today.
Ed has been really good to me, he has come to see me and has tried to get me to eat some 'soup' he has made. He says it is chicken but it tastes just like water. Ed says the doctor came to me yesterday and said I had a viral infection. Ed also says Eileeen will be back tonite. I want to dress to meeet her but everything hurts so bad.
I want to sleep too but I keep having bad dreams that seem to scare me. But if I do sleep maybe tomoro I shall be able to get out of bed.
This is like a hell and I am on vacation.

A strange day

2004-08-16T15:04:00.000-05:00

It has been a strange kinda day today. Eileen received a call today to say she has to go to an important meeting back in Philadelphia so she will be leaving us tomorrow and taking the hire car to the airport. So for a couple of days it will just be Ed and me on vacation here. I admit to feeling a bit nervous about it but it is only for a couple of days and poor Eileen will miss a few days of her vacation. I have to say that Ed has been really great so far on this vacation, I was a little worried about being with him but, as I discovered yesterday, it has been Eileen who has made the only 'improper' approach, Ed has been really great and has helped me relax and start to enjoy myself here. He has suggested that we might spend a day by the coast when Eileen is away. One thing is for certain, it will certainly be quieter without Eileen here.

I could have died

2004-08-15T16:13:00.000-05:00

I could have died from embarrassment. This afternoon, Eileen, who does not seem to have a care in the world, actually came over to me and asked me, quite openly, if I had heard her and Ed making love last night. My God, I almost choked in surprise when I heard her ask that.
Well I had to tell the truth and say that I had heard them and they'd kept me awake most the night. Eileen laughed and then asked in a whisper (which I supect is rare for her) whether I had enjoyed hearing them! Grief! I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. But this was nothig compared to what she asked next. She actually really asked me if I wanted to join them. I was shocked and told her no as I had never been with a threesome before. She smiled at me and said I might enjoy it but I still said no.
The trouble is, the thought of it has been plaguing my mind ever since.

Noisy love making

2004-08-15T08:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening was very nice and pleasant. The three of us sat down to a nice meal and chat together. We had a good laugh and played card games. All sounds a bit boring and middle-aged I guess but it was relaxing. I did not get much sleep last night, not because I was in a strange bed but the walls of this house seem thin and I could hear Ed and Eileen making love in the bedroom next door. Gawd, I know Eileen talks non-stop during the day but she seems to do the same during s*x! She was constantly shouting out in ecstasy (or pain!) and giving instructions to Ed, telling him what to do next and how hard or how fast. It was a bit embarrassing but also exciting in a way.

Start of the vacation.

2004-08-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

Well here I am. But I am not exactly sure where I am.
This morning we drove to Newark airport. On the journey, the therapist instisted that I call him by his first name, Edward or Ed, he also insisted that I do not think of him as a therapist while on vacation but more as a friend. Well that's fine by me, it makes the vacation seem a little less like a part of my therapy.
His wife, Eileen, is a lovely woman, very talkative and she has a lovely soft accent to her voice. We have been chatting almost since we got on the plane or rather she has been talking to me. It brings funny images of their relationship into my mind, Ed is a therapist and a trained listener, Eileen is almost a trained talker. Actually, that turns out to be not too far from the truth as Eileen is a director of an advertising company.
The journey has been very smooth and uneventful. We landed at Panama City (not the one in South America!) and hired a car to drive out here. And that's where I got lost. It seems the house is some miles outside Apalachicola. The last town name I remember was Wilma, which made me laugh as it reminded me of the Flintstones movies.
Anyway, it is a great house, large and with a good dela of land around it. A great change from my place in Somers Point. Anyway, I have my own room here which has a great window with lovely views across empty country.
I am now off to shower and wash off the journey before we get together for a meal. Must phone Greg to let him know I'm ok.

2004-08-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening Greg called me. It was nice to hear his voice but I could sense that he was not happy about something but I could not get him to say what it was.
This evening I called him back. He sounded very gruff, at first I thought he was unwell but he was simply in a bad mood. It turns out that he is not happy about me going on vacation this weekend. Well, why the heck did he not say something earlier. Instead of brooding over it all this time. It is too late to change plans now and he knows how much i need a break.
I coud feel tears in my eyes after the phone call, Greg had really upset me and I was not sure what to do about it. So I called the therapist.
He told me that Greg was simply feeling vulnerable and was thinking about the loss of my company for the weekend. I should see it as a sign that Greg has feelings for me and that when I return then the bond between us will be stronger. It takes something like this, it seems, to make a guy realise that he has feelings for someone.
I have been tempted not to go on the vacation but I will not let the therapist down at this last minute.
I only do hope that the relationship with Greg is better when I return. Oh I do so hope!

quite excited today

2004-08-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

Have been quite excited today, went to my therapy session this evening but it was less therapy and morse planning for the vacation. I now know the therapist's wife is called Eileen and she is Irish. I have not met her yet but my therapist says we will get on well together. Our flight leaves Newark on Saturday morning.
We did have a little bit of therapy and talked about Greg.
I am looking forward excitedly to the vacation. Seems in many ways Apalachicola is like Somers Point by being near the ocean.

Remembering the throes of depression

2004-08-09T20:44:00.000-05:00

Today has been one of those days when not a lot happens.
Had a chat and a girly giggle with Ana today, talking about Greg.
But that was all.
Just thinking to myself this evening how great it is to be able to giggle once more. It certainly is very different from the beginning of the year when I was in the throes of depression. It is really beginning to feel as if I am gettting thru this now. I still have moments and days when I seem to lack motivation and am depressed. Those are days when I do not write in this diary.

all I get is a playful spank

2004-08-08T16:09:00.000-05:00

Great to have Greg here with me this weekend. He seems ok about me going away next weekend, says I should have a good time with the therapist's wife. We checked out the internet for Apalachicola, seems like a quaint old town once famous for cotton trading but now mostly shrimp and seafood.
I do adore Greg but sometimes I guess he can be a bit slow and miss things that are obvious...or is this something to do with all men? Last time we were together, he asked me to perform a particular sexual act which freaked me out and I snapped at him. Over the week I had changed my mind about it and wanted to give it a try. But I had not been able to tell Greg about it... I guessed I was hoping he'd just ask again but he never did...Perhaps he was worried that I might freak out again. Even so, I thought he might get the message when I lay on the bed with my bare ass up in the air but no, he just gave me a playful spanking....gee men! Could I have given a bigger clue?

Apalachicola

2004-08-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

Apalachicola, that's where I shall be on vacation, or somewhere near there. Seems we have a flight from Newark to Panama City, which surprises me because 1) I thought it would be a drive down and 2) I thought panama city was somewhere in south america! Now I know why the therapist wanted me to reply quickly, so that he knew how many tickets to get.

Feel Good

2004-08-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

Feeling really good this evening. I called Greg earlier and had a nice long chat. He's coming tomorrow. Yippee. Talked to him about the therapist and his wife inviting me to join them on vacation. Greg seemed ok about it but he asked me a question and I realised I did not know the answer.... he asked where we shall be going! Better get back and check with my therapist on that one...all I know is that it is somewhere down in FL.
I wanted to tell Greg about me talking to Ana and about my change of mind but it was never the right time to bring it up in the chat. darn it. We shall just have to see what happens this weekend.
Right..off now to have a nice warm soak in the hot tub.

Ana, Greg and the Therapist

2004-08-05T08:03:00.000-05:00

Well having thought about what Ana said, I think I will not turn Greg down if he asks me again.
My therapist called me this evening. He wanted to talk about the vacation. Earlier in the week I had been against going with him and his wife but listening to him on the phone, I could feel myself weakening and I know I do need a vacation. So in the end I said yes, after all it would be nice to meet his wife and have a good time to relax and enjoy myself.
I now just need to tell Greg!

2004-08-04T17:02:00.000-05:00

Had a talk with Ana at midday today. We were both on a break from work. I told her about Greg and what he'd saod he wanted to do. I do not know why I said it, I think it just sorta came out. I guess it has been on my mind for so long I just needed to tell someone.
I cud not believe what Ana said.
She said that she and her hubby had done it.
Wow, someone has actually done it before!

Boyfriend, therapist, need a vacation

2004-08-03T21:26:00.000-05:00

I have still been worrying about Greg's request, so much so that I have not called him since the weekend. It has been playing on mind and really get me both confused and upset.
Tonite I went to see my therapist again. It was inevitable, I guess, that I should talk about Greg and what he asked of me. It is really good that I have such an understanding therapist that I can be so open and honest with him.
It seems that the issue really comes to whether I want Greg enough to please him or whether his request has somehow made me see Greg in a different way.
I do still want him but yes I also now see him in a different way. I feel the need to talk to him, to see what he feels.
I feel so confused and upset lately and my therapist seemed to sense this. He feels, and I agree with him,that i need some time to relax and rest and to give time to myself. I told the therapist that I would love a vacation, somewhere in warm sunshine where I can relax and let go of the tensions I feel. Sadly, of course, I do not have the money to spend on a vacation.
The therapist did say that i was welcome to join him and his wife at their place down in Florida. I said no at first but he insisted that i think about it. I think he saw me as being company for his wife. So at the end I said I would think about it but when he asks again I think I will still say no.

This weekend would have been great

2004-08-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

This weekend could have been great... would have been great... except for one thing.
I have had a good week and have been feeling really good about things. Perhaps for the first time in a long time. It has seemed that things may just be starting to go right for me at last. My new job is actually quite boring but I only work there three days a week and I have met Ana, my neighbor, and got to know her better. The job does bring in the money and even tho I only work three days it brings in more money than the diner.
I am feeling really pleased about the therapy sessions again. It really is a pleasure to see my therapist. I know we had a difficult time last time but I now want the sessions to go well and I really do enjoy having someone there to listen to me and support me.
I have called Greg almost everyday last week also chatted to him on Lavalife this week. It is great how that site brought us together. Greg has been a great support allso this week. I really do like his sense of humor. I feel I am really lucky to have met him. I ador the times we are together and the way he makes me feel is really fantastic. When he is not here, I dream of him being with me and I dream of his hands caresing my body while I feel his firm muscles.
I have also started writing my stories once more and that feels really great for me as I feel sure I am basically a very creative person.
And yes, my diet seems at last to be working. I am now 16 pounds lighter. YAY!

So what went wrong this weekend? Why do I feel so down now?
You see it was Greg, he has been really lovely to me and really supportive and great fun to be with. I do adore him so much. But last night he asked to do something which shocked me. I did not think he thought that way. I do not understand why he wants to do that to me. He asked if he could enter me in my asshole. I almost screamed at him. That sounds so disgusting, so animal like. Why would anyone want to do that? Unless he's gay.
No I can not believe he is gay. But why does he want to do it in my ass? I told him no and pushed himm off the bed. It has been really difficult between us today and I was relieved when he left this afternoon. I still want him and still adore him so much but I just can not understand why he wants to do such a thing to me.
It is not something I can talk to anyone to. I do not know if anyone has tried it. What is it like? What is the pleasur in it? I feel in such a mess once more.

Return to Therapy

2004-07-27T21:05:00.000-05:00

The day at work was quite light, in fact it was almost boring as we had little to do.
This evening, I went back to my therapist. I was very nervous about returning. I was worried about what happened last time. I was hoping nothing would be said about it. Of course, we had to talk about it and I said that I just wanted to put it behind me and resume the therapy. The rest of the session was really good. My therapist was really great with me, he listened to me as I told him almost everything that had happened and about my feelings. That is one of the good things about the therapy, I get to talk not just about things but also about my feelings about things.
I am really glad I went, tonite I feel on top of the world, which is something I have not felt for a long time. I have a job, I have a good relationship, I have good therapy and I may even find time to start writing again.
Right now I must call Greg to tell him about the therapy session, he was really worried for me. Is that not sweet?

none too stressful

2004-07-26T20:57:00.000-05:00

Started in the office today with Ana. It was quite confusing but then I guess first days in a new place usually are. The office deals with yachts and boats and harbours and seafaring things that I don't really understand. All I had to do today was a little typing, some tidying papers into folders, endless xeroxing and faxing things. Seems none too stressful!

Weekend away

2004-07-25T20:42:00.000-05:00

This weekend, Greg and I stayed at a Motel.
There is always something a bit dirty or naughty about two people staying in a motel room together!
Greg is much taller than I am and he is very muscular. I do enjoy when he pins me down on the bed. But enough of that!
We decided to spend some time away this weekend, so we got into Greg's car and drove over to Slaughter Beach on the south side of Delaware Bay. I don't know why we ended up there, I think we both were just taken by the name of it!
Anyway, it was really great to spend some time relaxing and enjoying ourselves away from all the worries and problems back home.
Tomorrow I start work with Ana, I'm looking forward to that.
Tuesday I have a therapy session, I'm a bit nervous about that.

ooh, some good news today

2004-07-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

Called the therapist this evening, just as Greg suggested. Asked him if I could still have free sessions. We talked a while, mostly about my depression and about Greg. Not that the two are connected! He said he could offer me three free sessions, if I wanted them. So next Tuesday will be my next therapy session.
Start work next Monday at the same office as Ana, my neighbor. That should be great, the pay is better than the diner and the work seems easier.

Telling Greg my story

2004-07-18T16:13:00.000-05:00

Had a lovely time with Greg this weekend. He even said that I was looking thinner ... I guess my diet is working after all!
This weekend, I revealed all to Greg. LOL.. no, not like that! I mean I told him all about my depression, my visits to the therapist, money worries, and everything else.
He was really good and listened to me tell my story. I really like him for that.
He also surprised me a little by suggesting that I go to the therapist again and see if he can still give me some free sessions.
O and it looks like I may have an opportunity of a new job, working with a neighbor in an office.
So perhaps things are starting to get better again.

depression is still with me.

2004-07-13T19:50:00.000-05:00

I am not sure where my life is going.
I have left the diner for sure now. It was not the same without Sylvia and the atmosphere had changed there, all the girls thought the same but most of them will continue to work there.
I enjoy chatting with Greg on the phone or online. He really is great.
Sometimes I hear from my therapist. It is nice to know he is still there for me.
Just writing this as I feel guilty for not having written anything for days.
Yes, the depression is still with me.

Like a rock to me.

2004-07-04T15:29:00.000-05:00

Well, we should be celebrating today but I do not yet feel like celebrating.
But one good thing did happen this weekend. I saw Greg.
We had a lovely time together. He really can be an understanding guy and I like that about him.
I feel that I must hold on to him as he is like a rock to me. He is the onl thing going right in a world of things going wrong.

Everything in my life is going wrong.

2004-07-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

Didn't go in to work today. To be honest the place is not the same without Sylvia there. All I can think about when I am there is that she is gone and I have lost a good friend. I don't think I care if I never work in that place again, it just holds bad memories for me now.
Just lately it seems as if everything in my life is going wrong. I just do not know if I can face it much longer.. something has got to go right.

Therapist rang me

2004-06-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

My therapist rang this evening to offer his sympathy. He had just heard about Sylvia. He offered to see me if I needed someone to talk to.
This was a nice kind offer and I will think about it but just now I want to get back to leading my life as normally as I can.

A State of Shock

2004-06-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

I have not written much in my diary for a few days, I think I am still in a state of shock over Sylvia's death. The cops have interviewed all us girls at the diner, they have spoken to me twice. They were interested to know what I saw when I went to Sylvia's house. The way the detectives talked to me made me feel like a suspect, that was really really horrible and I remember crying that evening after they'd left.
I had heard that the cops had arrested Jake but had let him go again the next day. I do not think Jake murdered Sylvia but he has to be a suspect.
Working in the diner has become very difficult this week, you keep walking around trying to do your job as usual but all the time you wonder whether this customer or that customer knows about Sylvia. It has been in the papers, so I guess some of them must know. One or two of the regular customers have said something to the girls and that is nice to know that the customers appreciated her, some of them at least.
The worst thing is that we now all believe that Sylvia was murdered. I think in a way, the thought that she might have killed herself or been killed by accident, would be easier to accept than such a horrible death at the hands of another person.
This weekend, Greg came round. It was good to have him here with me at this time. I was able to talk to him about all the nasty things that have happened. He seemed very nice about it and helped me get thru one of the interviews with the cops. The poor guy, though, he came down to visit me, hoping to have a good time together and he sees me like this, all upset with tears streaming down my face at times. It was really good to feel his arm around me for much of the weekend, it was also good to cuddle his strong body in my bed at night. I hope that next time I can make it good for him.

Sylvia's death

2004-06-23T18:34:00.000-05:00

I can not believe the terrible news today. Our boss at the diner called us girls together to tell us the news. The cops have found Sylvia's body .. dead.
I really can not believe it and the tears have been flowing down my face ever since I heard.
The worse bit is that we do not know what or how it happened. All we know is that she has been found dead.
We do not know if she killed herself, or if it was homicide, or something else. It is really horrible to think about it. To think that a girl who had offered me so much support and friendship is now dead.

Kiss and a promise

2004-06-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

Just a short note today.
Greg visited this afternoon, we sat and chatted about 'things' for a long time. It seems he was unsure about whether i wanted to meet him still. I said I did but he was worried that I would just 'disappear' (as he called it) again.
I had not seen it from his point of view.
It was very nice to meet Greg again and to have the chat.
We did not do much else but parted on a kiss and a promise to meet next weekend.

meeting Jake

2004-06-16T18:13:00.000-05:00

Sylvia was not at work at the diner today. So I asked the boss for her adress. He was not sure that he should give it me at first but I managed to persuade him to. He also told me to tell her she was fired. Gee, thanks! You want me to tell my best friend she's out of a job!
Sylvia lives a long way toward the outside of the town, I was not sure if I could find the adress but I did eventually. The house was all dark and there was no answer at the door. In fact the place almost looked deserted. It was quite dirty but I guess that may just be how Sylvia lives.
I was almost about to give up and get back to my car when a man appeared on the drive. I was a little nervous but he said his name was 'Jake'. I knew this was Sylvia's fella, the abusive one.
I told him I was looking for Sylvia. He said he had not seen her for days and thought she had left him. Wow! I had not expected that!
But if she had simply left her fella, surely she would have rung me even if only to let me know what she'd done and that she was ok. It also did not explain why Jake did not answer the phone whenever I rang .. mind you he was often the worse for liquor as I recall from what Sylvia told me about him.

Me and the girls are beginning to really get worried

2004-06-15T19:08:00.000-05:00

Still no Sylvia at work, today or yesterday. Me and the girls are beginning to really get worried about her. Perhaps she is ill or maybe, as one of the girls suggests, her hot date has taken her on a Caribbean cruise on his own yacht! The boss at work is getting pissed off with her and says he will fire her when she returns. Hardly fair if she's ill. I have tried ringing her again today but the phone rings and rings until the answer machine clicks in. If she is not back tomorrow, I shall get her adress of the boss and go visit.

Sylvia

2004-06-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

I missed Sylvia at work this weekend. She is certainly a good friend and it is great that we can chat together. But she was not at work on Saturday and she has not answered her phone today. She was saying on Friday that she had a hot date for that evening...so perhaps she is still enjoying herself!!!
I do hope so, she really deserves something good in her life.

I called Greg Today

2004-06-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

I called Greg today.
It was great to talk to him once more. I thanked him for the birthday present and we had a long chat. Inside, I was secretly fearing that he might have met someone else and not want to get back with me. But no, he said he still wanted to see me again. I hoped we could arrange something for this weekend but he has to visit his folks. So we have said we'll try to arrange for him to come the following saturday.
Yeah. It is good to talk to Greg once more. I hope things will be the same as they were earlier in the year..or better!

sorted!

2004-06-09T22:23:00.000-05:00

OK, I have had some real good thinking time these last few days.
And this is what I have decided.
1) I am going to take charge of my life
2) I am going to diet to lose weight
3) I am going to meet Greg again, if he wants. If he doesn't, I shall meet other guys
4) I am not cured of depression, I shall start seeing my therapist again when I am ready.

See, I feel a lot better for writing these things down.

my birthday

2004-06-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

I have not written anything inthis diary for quite some time. I have been trying to get some of my life back together, or rather I have been avoiding facing some issues!
Today is my birthday and it has probably been one of the worset birthdays I have had.
I have not seen my therapist for weeks and have not had contact apart from a phone call one evening.
I have not seen Greg either. But he has been sweet, he has sent me flowers and boxes of candy. He sent me a nice little necklet as a birthday present, so I guess he must still be keen on me. I also got a card from the therapist for my birthday.
Over these last few days, my only human contact has been with some of the girls at the diner. Especially Sylvia, who is becoming a good friend. She too has her problems, she has an ex bf who abuses her physically and she has a kid by another guy. Things are hard for her so I guess that may be why she is able to sympathise with me.
The last few days have been very depressing and I have been feeling under a cloud again. I am going to go to bed now and part of me wishes I would not wake up again.

I need to sort myself out

2004-05-22T21:31:00.000-05:00

Today, I have been able to sit down and have a good long think! I have not spoken to Greg this weekend and I have not spoken to my therapist.
I really need to sort myself out. At the beginning of the year, I started therapy to try to rid myself of this depression. That seemed to work but now that therapy is in a mess.
I have been chatting to guys on Lavalife for a few years and finally I have met a really decent guy. That relationship is on hold.
A few days ago I noticed that I was losing my figure and being overweight.
I need to sort my weight out, get myself a good guy again and hope the depression does not come back.

Talking to Sylvia

2004-05-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

I have been talking about my problems to Sylvia and a few of the girls at the diner. I did not tell the the details of my depression but I told them about Greg and also about my therapist. At first they seemed shocked but then they started to tease me, asking which one was the best kisser or which one had the biggest **** and can they have the one I reject. Altho I can see the funny side in their eyes, it really has been a pain and a worry for me.
It has been Sylvia who has been the biggest supporter of me during these last couple of days. I know she has beeen thru a lot of boyfriend problems herself recently, so perhaps she can understand what I am going thru. She suggested that I should not see my therapist anymore. She also said that I should put Greg 'on hold' for a while until I can sort myself out. She seems to feel that I need time for myself and time to decide what I want to do.
I feel guilty about quitting my therapy. My therapist has done a lot of good for me. I have to be honest and say that I di not think this week's 'incident' was entirely his 'fault'. I have had feelings for him for some time and perhaps I was not strong enough or even willing to resist.
I also worry about putting Greg 'on hold', he may go with someone else and not want me back again. Altho we are great together, Greg has not had the easiest of times since we started meeting. I can understand if he does not want to date me again but I do not want to do anything that might push him into making that decision.
This evening, I went on Lavalife. I was looking to meet a new guy but also part of me was hoping to meet Greg. I did have a chat with a couple of guys but my heart was not really into flirting tonite.

A confused mess

2004-05-19T18:26:00.000-05:00

What happened yesterday?
I do not really quite know what happened? It has been plaguing my mind all day today. I am not sure which one of us started it or if it was both of us.
Yesterday I kisssed my therapist or he kissed me? There, I have said it. But I still cannot believe it really happened.
Yesterday, it was not just a kiss on the cheek, it was a full-blown kiss on the lips.
Perhaps I was vulnerable, perhaps I gave off the wrong signals? perhaps..perhaps.
Oh damn it. I enjoyed it. Yes, I did not stop him at any point. Perhaps that is what makes me feel guilty. Maybe I can not tell who started the kiss or who made the first move but the point is I did not stop or try to stop the kiss.
When the kiss came to a natural end, I just slumped my head upon his shoulder, peaceful, realxed and confused.
Are there any genuine emotions between the two of us? was it just a 'on the spur' feelings ?
How can I tell Greg? If I ever see him again? Should I tell Greg?
What do I say to my therapist next time? Do I see my therapist again?
It seems that I have got my life in to such a confused mess yet again. I really do not know where to turn or what to do.

Have I let Greg down?

2004-05-17T18:23:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling very very down today. I think I am cross and upset with myself because I did not go see Greg over the weekend to help him sort out the mess in his place.
I really feel as if I have let Greg down and I am afraid he will not want to see me again.
I tried to call him today but he has not been answering his phone.

my therapist surprises me.

2004-05-16T09:20:00.000-05:00

I was very surprised last night, late last night. My therapist phoned me. He said he wanted to ask how things were going between Greg and I. My therapist is very concerned for me and I was very touched by his call.
I told him that Greg and I were not able to meet this weekend. I told the therapist how I was missing Greg. I talked for a long time about my feelings and how I enjoy Greg being together with me.
The call lasted nearly an hour. At the end, my therapist gave me a number I could call if I needed to talk to him at any time. That, too, I thought was very nice and supportive. Of course I cannot use this number excpet for an emergency but it feels really good to have this support.

I phoned Greg

2004-05-14T19:15:00.000-05:00

I phoned Greg today. He says he can not visit this weekend as he needs to use the time to get his place back in order.
I am very disappointed that I will not see him this weekend. I did consider going to his place to help tidy it for him but funds are still short even to buy the extra gas. I will have to ring him to keep his spirits up and to let him know that I am still thinking about him.

Give him a big hug

2004-05-12T20:00:00.000-05:00

I could not find Greg online, so I phoned him. I wanted to tease him about what the girls in the diner had been talking about.
When I phoned him, he sounded a little upset. After a while I asked him what the matter was. He said his place had been broken into at the weekend and a lot of things had been trashed, including the tv.
I felt so sorry for him, he seems to have had a lot of bad luck recently. I just wanted to be there with him and give him a big hug, just to say things were fine.
I wanted to ask if he was still going to come at the weekend again but I didn't ask, just in case he said no. It seems things go wrong for him one way or some other, every weekend.

immature flirts

2004-05-12T17:56:00.000-05:00

The girls at the diner are a real bunch of immature flirts... yet they do seem to have fun and enjoy their lives. Yesterday and again today, they have been trying to get me to talk about Greg, what's he like, how big is his d**k, what does he like to do in bed? It was a little embarrasing at first bit after a while I did like being the center of attention!

I simply use Greg

2004-05-11T22:39:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling depressed again today and nearly did not make my therapy session this evening. In the end, I did go, I think I cud not have lived with meself if I had not gone as this was another free session.
My therapist is so caring and concerned for me. He asked me how the weekend went and how were things developing between me and Greg. I told him about some of the things we did at the weekend and I told him how Greg had asked about my first s*x experience. To my surprise, the therapist then asked me about my first experience and whether that influenced my relationship with men and with Greg. I did feel a little uncomforatble telling the therapist about my first time but it did seem to help, it seemed to tell me that I tended to bond emotionally to older guys but used younger guys for physical pleasure. Got me thinking whether I simply use Greg for physical pleasure .... nah, there's more to it than that

I should try to lose weight

2004-05-10T22:35:00.000-05:00

d'you know, I think I should try to lose weight. My body is, how shud I say, kinda chubby. I've never really thought about it before but I do not want Greg to dump me because of the shape of my body.

Therapist rings me.

2004-05-09T19:41:00.000-05:00

Do you know, the strangest but also one of the nicest things happened while Greg was here on Saturday. My therapist rang me at home! He rang to see if I was okay, to see if Greg had arrived, and was things going ok. I thought that was really nice of him and so thoughtful.

Greg comes

2004-05-09T15:19:00.000-05:00

Greg came yesterday, he was a little late and that started me worrying but I gues I need not have done.
When he arrived, I came out to greet him and gave him a big hug. As we hugged, I was looking over his shoulder to his car. I then asked him to let me have a look at it. I do not know why but I just wanted to check it out. Or really to check out Greg's story. I asked Greg if the car was ok now. I did not hear his reply as I checked the glass in the windows. The rubber around the glass looked new.. brand new. So that told me that Greg's story was true. Why did I ever doubt him?

my first time

2004-05-09T03:40:00.000-05:00

In many ways, Greg is special to me. In some ways, he is just like all the other guys.
This morning, after sleep and s*x, he asks me about the first time I had s*x with a guy. Why do men always ask this?
I told him that when I did it for the first time, I was a bit younger than I should have been and the guy was a bit older than he should have been! Yet I found that s*x was good and I enjoyed it, I still do. I guess not everyone has the same experiences and perhaps some people's first time is not such a good time.
Is a person's view of s*x affected by their first experiences?

no panties

2004-05-09T03:23:00.000-05:00

It was strange when Greg arrived. Part of me needed to check out his story about the car and another part of me just needed to have him!
I greeted him with a hug before going to check the car ( I still feel a little guilty about that). Underneath my skirt, I was wearing no panties, nothing. Yet Greg didn't seem to notice! Men!
Thinking about it now, he cud have bent me over the hood of his car and spanked my bare ass. I reckon I wud have deserved it for douting him.

secretly thinking

2004-05-07T18:54:00.000-05:00

Greg's coming to visit again tomorrow and I cannot wait. Part of me is excited and part of me is secretly thinking that he may ring to say he cannot come. I shall have to wait to see what happens.

Kissing the therapist

2004-05-05T22:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had the first of my free therapy sessions. I know it would be wrong for me to take advantage of my therapist by having a free session each week but I sure am glad he has offered me this. Yesterday, we talked about Greg and my feelings for him. I told the therapist how we had planned a meet last weekend but He had not been able to come down. The therapist asked me how I had felt at the time once I had learnt that Greg was notr coming. I had not realised just how many feelings had been going thru me at the time, but they all seemed to come out yesterday. Sadness, disappointment, loneliness, hurt but also doubts and fears that he was lying and that he did not like me, that I was unworthy in his eyes. These last feelings I had not realised were there but they came out quite strong in the therapy session.
When I got back home, I had to ring Greg to talk to him. He sounded tired. I asked him how the car was, had he had the lights fixed. He said yes, everything was better now, he did sound angry and I was not sure if it was with me for ringing so late or with the people who had done the damage to his car. After the call, I still could not tell myself whether Greg was telling the truth or not. I think that was why I had called him, to check for myself but it had not answered my question.
Oh, yes, going back to the therapy. Although I was confused and puzzled about my feelings for Greg at the end of the session, I felt it was a great session. I was really pleased with my therapist for doing this for me. At the end of the session, I thanked my therapist and gave him a kiss on the cheek, just as a way of saying thanks for this free session. He smiled nicely at me as I left.

Not a good day

2004-05-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

Not much happened today. Went into work, didn't enjoy it. Felt a bit down but not depressed. Tried to find Greg online but he was not on. Phoned him but did not answer.
Not a good day.

On the phone

2004-05-02T17:45:00.000-05:00

I phoned Greg today, just to talk to him. He seemed genuinely upset and disappointed that he could not see me this weekend. He said he had got all the glass fixed in his car except for a couple of lights that are to be fixed tomorrow. He says he has no idea who did this or why, it could just be kids doing it but he does not know why and no one else has had the same.
Apart from his car, we chatted about other things, like the things we like about each other and the things he had planned to do this weekend and, of course, we talked about being together. This turned in to a phone s*x call and I found myself 'playing' with myself while he told me all the things he wanted to do to me and I dare say he was doing the same as I told him what I'd like to be doing to him.
Altho I'm feeling quite down about this weekend and how things have(or have not) turned out, I should sleep quite well tonite.

2004-05-01T15:33:00.000-05:00

This picture is one I found. It is a very beautiful picture and it expresses how I feel right now

Things do not seem fair

2004-05-01T14:06:00.000-05:00

I really can not believe it.
Greg has just phoned to say he cannot come
Some lowlife has smashed all the glass in his car and he has to get it fixed.
Greg has not had much luck with that car, what with the flat tire here last weekend.
I feel really devastated, really low and almost in tears.
I had so longed for Greg to come down today and now this!
Sometimes things just do not seem fair in my life.

Telling the therapist

2004-04-28T07:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had my last regular therapy session. It was a good session but I am convinced I staill need more so I shall have to accept the therapist's great offer of free sessions.
Yesterday's session was also great because I got to talk to the therapist about Greg and my time with him, how he makes me feel and my hopes with him. I did feel a little awkward at first talking about Greg to my therapist but my therapist is so good, he was able to get me to relax and tell him everything. I was able to recall and relive our time together, including our time in bed. It was really good to be able to relate these things to someone who is not going to judge you but who accepts you as you are. My therapist is great for this.
I gave my therapist a hug at the end of the session, without feeling guilty about it. It was like saying 'thank you' and perhaps 'goodbye' as it does feel like the end of something. But I also said that I would like to carry on seeing him for therapy. He said that his offer of free sessions is still open. I could not resist myself saying yes please. So next week I have my first free session.

Depression really hit hard

2004-04-26T22:42:00.000-05:00

Oh boy!
Well, my depression really hit me hard today. I do not know why but then it often does not seem to have a reason.
Went into work today and it was not a good time. It is hard when you do not know your way around a new place. All the other girls seem to know the regular customers. Sometimes I think they use it just as a place to flirt!
Anyway, tomorrow will be my last paid therapy session before I start on the free ones offered by my therapist. I think it is really good of him to offer the free sessions and today has shown me that I still really need them, yet I do feel bad and awkward about accepting them. I just hope I can bring in some more money so that I can start paying again.

Greg

2004-04-25T18:25:00.000-05:00

Well, Greg has just left. We had a fantastic time together. This weekend I saw him as a caring and romantic guy.
He arrived only a little late on Saturday afternoon. I had made us a meal to have together, which was lovely. I am not the best cook but Greg seemed to appreciate everything I had made for him. He had bought me a box of candies, which was a nice gesture. We had profiteroles for dessert and Greg took great delight in feeding them to me one at a time.
I admit that I did back down from my idea of not wearing any panties but that did not stop Greg's ardor.
After the meal, we had a cuddle on the sofa. I did enjoy having Greg's arm around me. I loved kissing him even tho his chin was quite prickly!
We went to bed and had a night of great love making. I did think it strange how some men can have dark hair on their head yet have ginger colored hair elsewhere! I did not get a lot of sleep at night and was woken early in the morning !!
Today, after breakfast, we had a long walk out in the fresh air. Greg says he loves the ocean and how lucky I am to live near to it.
It was sad when he had to leave at about 5pm but I did get some extra time with him as he found that he had a flat tire when it was time to leave. Somehow, he had driven over a spike or a nail and it had buried into the tire. It was great to watch his musclular body as he changed the tire!
I shall see hi again next weekend!!

2004-04-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

Greg arrives tomorrow afternoon ... can't wait!

Got myself a job

2004-04-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

.. serving tables in a local diner. It really sucks but it shud bring in a few dollars.

My therapist is great

2004-04-21T12:16:00.000-05:00

I just want to say that my therapist is really great. I have been having money problems recently and have just had two stories turned down. This has left me really feeling down. I was beginning to worry that I would have to cancel my therapy sessions. Well, anyway I went along to the session yesterday evening. I sat down and talked to the therapist about how I felt I had improved over the last 3 or 4 months because of his therapy but also that i did not feel quite ready to face life without the therapy as some sort of support. I do not feel I am fully over my depression yet. But, I also told the therapist about my financial situation and how I felt I had to stop coming to the sessions.
My therapist was so great, he said that he could offer me some sessions for free just to keep me going until my financial situation improves. He really is wonderful and it has convinced me that he really cares about me as a person and not just about getting his money. He made me feel so happy. I told him about meeting Greg and how good that made me feel. Obviously I did not tell the therapist about me wanting Greg to tear my panties off, I did not think he would want to hear that and I cannot believe I actually wrote that!
So now I'm feeling a lot happier and lookig forward to the end of the week when Greg comes visits.

no money still

2004-04-20T13:53:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, earlier I had said that I would go look for work on Monday. Well Monday came and it went and I just could not be bothered to go look. This evening I'll have my next therapy session and I'll have to tell the therapist that I cannot pay for more sessions.

tear my panties off

2004-04-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

Had a quick chat with Greg online tonite. He says he was really pleased to meet on Saturday. I am glad he said so, as I was wondering if he felt the same way I was feeling.
He said he enjoyed our kiss at the end of the day and that he enjoyed fondling my ass as we embraced. God, I just simply could not tell him how I wanted him to tear my panties off there and then.
Next time, he'll be coming here, dare I welcome him without wearing any panties!!

Atlantic City

2004-04-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

oh Wow, Yesterday was great.
I met Greg for the first time yesterday. He really is every bit the great guy I had imagined. We spent a great afternoon and evening in Atlantic City. We met on the boardwalk and strolled along chatting together. Then he took me for a meal, which was really lovely. The time went by so fast while we were together. We went back on to the board walk afterwards and enjoyed walking and talking under the bright lights. We stopped and kissed before it was time for us both to depart and return. We agreed to meet again, next time Greg will be coming to my place.
I just cannot wait!

No money

2004-04-16T13:36:00.000-05:00

Today I am really a bundle of mixed emotions.
I am excited about meeting Greg tomorrow. I am really hoping all goes well between us.
I have had two stories rejected this week. I am very disappointed that one was rejected as I realy felt that the story about a mother sacrificing her relationship to look after her disabled son, was the best story I have yet written.
What is really bringing me down is that with the stories being rejected, I have no money coming in. I have only a little put aside that I can spend this weekend when I meet Greg. I am not sure how I can continue to pay for my therapy.
Maybe on Mondy I shall have to start to look for a job somehwere to supplement my income.

In bed with my therapist

2004-04-15T07:23:00.000-05:00

Oh wow, oh mygod.
I do not usually remember any dreams I have but last night I had one that was really freaky.
I dreamt I was having sex with my therapist! how weird is that!

Therapy

2004-04-14T08:18:00.000-05:00

In the therapy session yesterday, I told my therapist about Greg, how we'd met and how we had planned a date for Saturday. He listened calmly and patiently. Which was not quite what I had wanted. I think I was expecting a bit more of an emotional reaction from him. His response was very professional.
I'm not sure if my therapist was happy for me or not. My therapist has helped me come out of the depression and now here I am about to meet the man of my dreams. So why can my therapist not be happy for me?
Perhaps he is not supposed to be happy for his clients. Heck I thought I was a bit more than just another client. But perhaps I was reading more into the 'relationship' between us. Perhaps, after all, it is only a professional one and any feelings I thought were there between us, were just imaginary.
Yet my therapist has been good to me. He has shown me support and kindness and sympathy. Yet somehow it seems as if it is coming to an end now that I am about to meet Greg. I do not want it to end.
Heck I feel so confused.

A date with Greg

2004-04-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

YAY!
This evening on Lavalife, I just had time to have a quick chat with Greg before he set off to see his folks. So we did not have time for one of our flirty chats but we have agreed on a date! YAY!
Greg will be coming to Atlantic City on Saturday and we shall meet there and have an evening together. Hurray. Good old Greg comes thru.

Dr Ellen

2004-04-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, I heard about Dr Ellen on the TV. It talked about how she had a program to help people build better relationships. Including single people looking for new relationships. So later I went onto the net and found her website. It looks interesting but I'd like to know if anyone has used her program or what others think of it. If Dr Ellen can help people like me to find better relationships then it would be worthwhile.

I can fight this

2004-04-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

The therapy session today was a great relief. As I had missed last week's session, I was scared the therapist would be angry with me, that somehow he'd get cross. Strange how I should see my therapist almost as a father.
Anyway, there was no telling off no lecture now scolding not even a cross word. That was a relief. Instead we used last week's experience (non-experience?) as a start of a discussion about how my depression affects my behavior and my life. We talked about ways of overcoming this, about using a schedule and doing things if they were on my schedule out of routine. This routine would be a fight against the depresion. I would still do things even tho depressed and I would accept that I did them not so well because I was depressed. In anyway, the important things was that the things get done and are not left undone because of the depression. In this way I would be more in charge of my daily life and not let the depression rule me so much.

This all seemed to make sense at the time but thinking about it now, I am not sure how well it wud work in practise. I am not really used to writing things on paper, making lists and job to do and things like that. It almost makes me seem like a robot than a person. And yet my therapist seems right when he says that it cud be a good thing to try.

Come to think of it, I do not think it was my therapist who said it I think it all came from me. I seemed to have done all the talking and my therapist just listened. ... Gee that sounds like an easy job... I reckon I cud do that.

But I must not make fun of my therapist, he really is a wonderful and caring man. I do not know what I would do without him, I feel sure I would not be able to fight this depression without him and I may well have become stuck on drugs or maybe even killed myself if I had not started this therapy.

Now that is the first time I've even admitted that I had had thoughts of suicide before I started the therapy. I think that was one of the reasons why I was so determined to start the therapy. God, why must things get so bad before I force myslef to do anything?

Anyway, I must promise myself that I will never again have thoughts of killing myself. I can fight this and I will fight this

the weekend

2004-04-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

not posted much for a while. I had an absolutely sh*tty weekend. Dropped a bag of groceries on the kitchen floor this saturday and had an awful darn mess on the floor. My latest short story was rejected this weekend. And there are strange noises from the pipework, dont know what's wrong with the pipes but it sounds expensive.
No Greg on Lavalife and no fun!
Looked at a couple of webcams, not as expensive as I had thought but maybe the pipework is more important eh?

Relief on Lavalife

2004-04-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

At long last, at long last!
I had another online chat and flirt session with Greg on Lavalife. It was really good and uplifting to chat with him again. I just cannot get enough of his sense of humor; he really does make me laugh online, other guys try to joke and sometimes you can see that they are amusing but Greg really does have a great sense of humor. I guess we are on the same level and our jokes just naturally appeal to each other.
I know Greg is older than me and he lives in Nebraska, so he is some way from me. That is a bummer but at least it is not the other side of the world!
Tonite me and Greg had a good long and totally indecent chat with each other. He says he does things with himself while talking to me. Well next time we chat, I shall do things to myself too! But I guess nobody wants to know that.
He says I shud get a webcamera so that we can see each other while we chat. That sounds good, I'd love to see his eyes while we chat. But just now I have not got cents let alone dollars to buy a camera!

April Fools

2004-04-01T02:40:00.000-05:00

Just like to say that I am glad nobody tried to April Fool me 'cos if they had I would have bitten their heads off, such has been the foul mood I've been in these last couple of days.

Missed therapy session

2004-03-31T12:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I missed my therapy session. This is the first time I have done this. To be honest, I was all prepared to go but my depression got the better of me. Now I feel really down and cross with myself. I have called my therapist to apologize and he was very understanding. I really did not want to miss a session especially as they do still seem to be going well but yesterady I just felt so depressed I just could not bring myself to go.

PMS and depression

2004-03-29T16:55:00.000-05:00

I don not know if this is true or not but I have noticed that my periods of depression seem worse or to start shortly before my period.
Does anyone know, I wonder, whether there is a link between Pre menstrual stress and depression?